Stranded
by Chaosti
Summary: Lee and Kara are stranded. Their mission? To retrieve clothes at all costs.


Title: Stranded

Author: Chaosti

Pairing: Kara/Lee

Rating: R for language

Summary: Lee and Kara are stranded. Their mission? To retrieve clothes at all costs.

Disclaimer: Ron Moore said I could do whatever I wanted with fanfiction! So there! (Otherwise, BSG belongs to him and NBC.)

And BTW, the second season of BSG will preimere on Friday July 15! Can I get a whoo-hoo!

Distribution: Starbuck/Apollo Yahoo groups, and possibly Beyond Insane. All others please ask.

A/N: This is my first BSG fic, so go easy on me. It is also a tribute to a Dark Angel fic I read long ago. Hot Monkey Sex, Huh by BHG. I highly recommend you read it.I tried to stay true to the feel of that story. There was one scene that involved a janitors closet, and I thought, hmm. Janitor's closet+Kara+Lee recipe for hilarity.

"Wow"

Heavy panting.

"Yeah, wow."

"Lee, that was...incredible."

"Pretty amazing."

"I hardly even felt the door knob pressed into my ass."

"Oh." (Sheepish grin.) "Sorry about that."

"No problem. It was worth it. Might have a bruise though."

"Considering the positions we were in, I doubt it will be the only bruise."

"Frak."

"What."

"I think you gave me a hickey."

"Yeah. Your neck looks like a bruised peach."

"My neck? Frak! I was talking about my thigh."

'Oh. Well. Sorry."

"My thigh I can cover up. My neck will be visible to the general population."

"So. Wear a turtle neck."

"I don't have a turtle neck! And you know as well as I do that we have to wear our uniforms while on duty."

"Kara, there has to be some kind of something somewhere that can cover it up."

"Oh yeah? And what did you have in mind?"

"I don't know. Something."

"Shut up, Apollo."

"Is that an order, Starbuck?"

"It is so long as we're not on duty and I can't get thrown in the brig for saying it."

"I love being your superior officer. I can order you to do all kinds of neat things."

"I don't think I like where this conversation is going."

"But it was just getting fun."

"_Just _getting fun? Are you saying our previous activities weren't fun?"

"No no no. I was just-"

"You were just what?"

Defeated slump of his shoulders.

"I was just shutting up, Ma'am."

"Good boy."

Pause.

"Lee, what time is it?"

"It's almost 0900. We're both on duty in an hour."

"Which means we should probably finish up here and go get ready."

"There's still the problem of what to do about that little love-bite I gave you."

"Pretend it isn't there and hope nobody notices?"

Hopeful grin.

"I'm thinking that wouldn't work."

"Well if somebody hadn't felt the need to mark me in that way, we wouldn't have this problem."

"Kara, I said I was sorry. What more do you want?"

"I can think of a few things."

"We can't. We have work."

"Fine, but you owe me."

"And I look forward to paying my debt, but right now we need to go."

Rustling near the hatch.

"Frak!"

"Someone's coming!"

"Quick! Hide!"

"Behind the rack over there!"

Rustling.

Hatch creaks open.

Muttering.

More rustling.

Hatch creaks shut.

Pause.

"Lee, is he gone?"

"I'll check."

Pause.

"Yeah, he's gone."

"Damn! That was close."

"Tell me about it."

"If we had been caught-"

"I know."

"We'd never hear the end of it."

"I know."

"All the 'I-told-you-so's."

"I know."

"I really wish there was a light in here."

"It would help in the locating of our clothes."

"No shit, Sherlock."

"Someone woke up on the wrong side of the janitor's closet."

Punch.

"Ow! What was that for?"

"Felt like it."

"You have issues with authority, you know that?"

"That's what they tell me."

Pause.

"My arm hurts."

"You want me to do it again?"

"No, I want you to kiss it and make it better."

Kissing.

"Better?"

"Yes."

"Good, now look for clothes!"

Pause.

Hands fumble around in the dark.

"Uh, Lee?"

"Yes."

"Where are my pants?"

"I can't find them."

"Frak me seven ways 'til Thursday!"

Pause.

More fumbling.

"Kara?"

"Yes."

"Where are my pants?"

"Lee, I think the janitor took off with our clothes."

"Why would he do that?"

"If you walked into your office and found a pile of strange clothes with no one around, what would you do?"

"Get rid of them."

"I rest my case."

"We are so screwed."

"What are we gonna do?"

"There's only one thing we can do."

"What?"

Pause.

"I'm not doing that."

"Okay then, I guess we have to find some way to the laundary station."

"Why can't we just go back to your bunk? Or my room?"

"Lee, if we went back there do you really think there's any chance we would actually make it to work today?"

"Oh. Yeah, you're right. Laundary station it is."

"But how do we get there?"

"I don't know."

Pause.

"You know Lee, this is all your fault."

"What? It was your idea to do this in the janitor's closet! How is this my fault?"

"Hey! You were the one in the gym doing push-ups in regulation double tanks. With those arms of yours glistening with sweat and straining against your clothes... I can not be held accountable for my actions."

'Yeah, you were powerless. Very well. It's all my fault. You attacked me anyway."

"You looked so good."

"I think your nails drew blood on my back."

"Battle wounds, Adama. Learn to live with them."

"This conversation is not bringing us any closer to the laundary station, Thrace."

"Got any bright ideas?"

Look.

"Besides that."

"Maybe there's something in here that we could wear."

"I'd like to state for the record that there is nothing in here I want anywhere near me."

"Well what other choice do we have?"

"I guess you're right. Doesn't mean I have to like it."

"And you think I'm thrilled?"

"Good point."

Pause.

"Lee?"

"What, Kara?"

"After we do this, promise me we'll take a shower."

"Oh yeah."

"So what's the plan?"

"We wait until the corridor is all clear. Then we make a break for it."

"But we're still naked."

"I know. That's why you're going to streak through CIC to distract everyone while I sneakily creep off to the laundary room."

"Lee Adama have you lost your mind?"

"Yeah, I didn't think you'd go for it."

Pause.

"Ok, how about we wait until there's no one around, and then scurry from hatch to hatch praying desperately that they're all empty?"

"This corridor is mainly just storage, janitor closets and armory. There shouldn't be anyone around. It might work."

"All right. Check the hall."

Hatch creaks open.

"All clear, Kara."

"On three. One. Two. _Three!_"

Scurrying. Another hatch swings open and shut.

"Lee, can you find a light?"

"Yeah, here's the switch."

Flick.

"Damn, it's the armory closet."

"We should have hidden out in here in the first place. There's a light, and if anyone tried to come in and steal our clothes we could shoot them."

"Fine Kara, then why didn't we?"

"Well, the janitor's closet was closer."

"Just look and see if maybe there's something in here we can wear."

"Fine."

Rustling.

"Let's see. We've got lasers and tasers, lethals and non-lethals, semi-autos, full-autos, eye-poppers, ear-poppers... Nope, no clothes."

"Frak."

"Lee, we're going to be late to work."

"I know."

"Try another hatch?"

"Yeah, go."

Hatch creaks open.

Scurrying.

Another hatch creaks open and shut.

"Kara, what's that smell?"

"Wait, here's the light."

Flick.

"Frakfrakfrakfrakfrak."

"Just our luck. We would end up in the garbage room."

"I think I'm going to be sick."

"Come on Starbuck, third time's the charm."

"Funny, that's what you said this morning."

Hatch creaks open.

"All clear."

Scurrying.

"Lee! There it is! The laundary room!"

Golden halo surrounds plaque that reads: 'Laundary Room'.

Sighs.

"It's beautiful."

"Come on, Apollo. Last one in has to explain to your father why we were late for shifts."

"Oh hell no!"

Running.

"Ha! I beat you."

"Kara! You cheated!"

"Lee, I'm female and naked. I didn't have to cheat."

"Still though."

"Fine, we'll both tell him."

Hatch creaks open.

Sniffing.

"Kara? are you crying?"

"It's just that I've never been so happy to see anything in my whole life."

"Come on, we've still got ten minutes before we have to be on shift. We might pull this off."

"I found two clean duty uniforms."

"Thank the lords of Kobol."

Rustling.

"Ready, Starbuck?"

"Ready Apollo."

"We've got five minutes left. We still need to get up to the deck and we're three floors down."

"Guess all that running we do every morning will finally pay off."

"Guess so."

Hatch creaks open.

"All clear."

"Come on, I'll race you. Last one to the deck has to tell your father why we're late."

"Kara! We had a deal!"

Running.

"Kara!"

Crash.

"Chief Tyrol. Didn't see you there. Sorry."

"Starbuck, why are you running?"

Crash.

"Starbuck. Tyrol. Didn't see you there. Sorry."

"Apollo? What the frak? Where's the fire?"

Apollo and Starbuck look at each other.

"Oh lords, where's the fire?"

"No fire, Chief. Just late for duty."

"What are you talking about? You two aren't scheduled today."

"WHAT!"

"Didn't you hear? The schedule was switched around because of the President's banquet tomorrow evening. You two will be working security detail so Commander Adama thought you two should have today off since you'll be working practiaclly all day tomorrow. Downer and Roofie just went out on CAP."

"So you're saying we have today off?"

"Yes."

Groaning.

"What?"

"Thanks, Chief."

"Sure."

"By the way, Starbuck. Nice hickey."

Hatch creaks shut.

"Frak me sideways!"

"Frakfrakfrak."

"Well that was just the perfect end to a wonderful morning."

"So we went through all this for nothing?"

"So it seems."

Pause.

"I feel like hitting someone."

"Kara, you always feel like hitting someone."

"Well, moreso than usual right now."

"What was the point of all that?"

"The point, I think was to always have a spare change of clothes when sneaking off to have sex in public places."

"I learned my lesson."

"Good boy."

"Well, what now?"

"I believe a shower was the plan."

"Right."

"Let's go."

Pause.

"You know, Apollo, I know this great little armory closet on the third floor."

Groaning.

A/N: Well, there you go. My tribute to an old favorite. Plus I'll give a cookie to anyone who can identify a line from a tv show that was on very very long ago. Two cookies if you know what tv show.

Review! Or else! 'Or else, what?' You may ask. Nothing really, I'm just trying to sound threatening.

Look at the pretty blue button right below me. Isn't it shiny? Just like a gleaming spork fresh from the package. Doesn't it just make you wanna click on it and write in the little window that pops up?


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